We ran across a journalistic tidbit the other day wherein the female author was calling another woman out for trading pussy for high-end apps. The author then stated that it got her to wondering how much a vagina is worth on the open market. After which she admitted that she already trades her cooch for consumer goods and that it’s not prostitution because she likes her johns, er, the guys who give her cash and things for sex. If there was ever a hot-button issue, this would seem like it, so of course, we couldn’t resist wading into the fray. Not to try and cast anyone in an unflattering light, but just to see if there is a formula for determining the dollar value of your girly bits.
I’ll See Your Netflix and Raise You HBO
Now first of all the author of the piece in question suggested loudly that the other woman was selling herself short by trading sex for Netflix. Is that true? We’d certainly say so but what about the author? What would she (the author) consider an equitable trade? We read on hoping for a quick and lighthearted exploration of this admittedly loaded topic but instead what we got was a person laying the groundwork of justification for her lifestyle choices, which she’s clearly uncomfortable with. Her wafer-thin argument begins with her stating there was a time when she believed in love. Then, as she continues, it becomes apparent that for some reason she equated love with monogamy. She then states that she “grew out of that (monogamy)” and when she did she began to understand non-monogamous sex to be a purely transactional event.
Trading in Vagina Futures
What’s that? If you have sex in anything but a monogamous relationship, it’s nothing but business? Really? By this time, we’re beginning to be diverted from the possibility of taking a humorous look at vagina valuations (vagina futures?) and are becoming invested in the pretzel logic of the author who, it seems, can’t have a fun discussion about the hypothetical value of a vagina without first trying to explain away her decision to become a call girl. She even dredges up Ye Olde “Everyone sells it, so it’s okay” justification, which is both predictable and wrong because no, not everyone sells it. That’s not a condemnation of prostitution, just a fact.
But while we’re mesmerized by the thin ice of her argument we came here to have a stab at determining vaginal value, and so we decide to leave her to her musings with the hope that she gets her love mojo back soon. Because it’s love makes the world go round girl. If money were enough to make you happy Elvis would still be playing Vegas, Whitney would be out shopping with her daughter, and MJ would be kicking off yet another sold-out world tour.
So What’s a Good Pussy Actually Worth?
Newly liberated from the article that inspired us (and its author) we sally forth on our own to see if we can’t figure out the market value of first-class cooch these days, and have a little fun doing it.
A quick scan of the wasteland commonly known as the Internet reveals this topic, far from being the exclusive domain of ladies like our confused friend, is actually being hotly debated in chat rooms and forums from Belgrade to Boston to Burbank. Craigslist – where the world’s hookers go to drum up transient business – is awash in ladies promising exotic company and more (‘wink, wink, nudge, nudge’) for everything from noodles and taxi money to upwards of $1,000. But like the original author (okay, so we can’t completely let go of her) these are short-term valuations. What we’re really interested in is the lifetime value of a vagina.
Debits and Credits
Of course, any realistic assessment of vagina valuation needs to balance income against expenses, so maybe it’s best if we try and figure out what it costs to own one of these things first. Luckily there are obsessed types out there who’ve done the math, and so we’re going to rely on the quality of their research here to save time and space. The most reasonable of these guesstimates posits the notion that it costs about $3,000 a year to maintain a vagina. That includes everything from birth control pills to Brazilian waxes. Multiply that by the 50 or so years of the average woman’s adult lifespan, and you have $150,000 +/-. That’s pretty amazing. And if even close to being true, it means for a woman to turn a profit on her vagina she’s going to have to get biz-zay.
On the credits side and because we’re interested in maximum vagina valuation, we’re going to leave the Netflix-and-utility-bill crowd behind and focus on those who really know how to cash in on their vagigis: gold diggers. The term is enough to send shivers down the spines of CEOs and movie moguls everywhere, and it’s one of the latter who felt the full wrath of our champion gold digger. The mogul would be one Steven Spielberg, and the gold digger in question would be the B list actress who married him, Amy Irving. After only four years together AI filed for divorce and reportedly walked away with a cool $100 million, which means that if you deduct $150,000 in vagina maintenance expenses, you get a net of $99,850,000. Now that’s a valuable vagina. Honorable mentions go to Rachel Hunter who valued her snooch at a cool $66 million and Heather Mills who soaked the cute Beatle for a cuddly $50 million.
While it’s great fun to toss around ideas like this that’s all it is; some fun. The fact is the true value of your vagina lies not in how many rent payments you can squeeze out of it but rather in the fact that it’s attached to you and as such, is priceless.